Chai-chan's Little Corner of the Universe

Alrighty then, time to update this thing. For those of you who're still paying attention. yeah, all three of you. If that. I'm currently having difficulties with my plan to move to Texas. It involves a lot of Emo crap that I don't care to go into, but suffice to say, I'm determined to leave. If I can't leave now, I'll be perfectly happy to wait, but only on my own terms, not because of... well, other stuff. Let's see, what else... Oh, my fangirl self is happy to report that my current obsessi... er, favorite Voice Actor accepted me as a friend on MySpace. ...Hey, I take my happiness where I can get it, people. Anywho, let's see... in case anyone's curious, this is his fanclub.

http://www.miniskirtarmy.org

Yay for Fuhrer Travis-sama! *squee!*

...*ahem* So, yeah. I quit my job in anticipation of moving, but I dunno, the way things are going, I may or may not be able to leave soon.

I have a cell phone, if anyone wishes to get ahold of me.

(808)269-7185

So... yeah. That's all I can think of off the top of my head.

-T

So much for my resolution to keep this thing updated. Oh well. Not much to say, for those few of you who pay attention to my ramblings. I have a job now, of sorts. I've been doing demos at WalMart thanks to the job placement place I applied at. It's not bad work, I sit at a table for six hours, letting people sample different products. The first one I did was for Lysol hand sanitizer, then I did one for Veet hair remover, then Aquafresh Teeth whitening trays, then this past monday, I gave out samples for Atkins low calorie snack bars. I snuck a piece myself, and they're surprisingly good for diet stuff. Anyway, I've also been playing the heck out of Final Fantasy XII. I'm running around leveling up and doing side quest stuff before the final battle. I have to say, I LOVE MOOGLES. They're so damn cute! Especially the ones that hang on ledges. Oh, and I have two favorite tv shows. I love "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" on Food Network, and "Dirty Jobs" on Discovery Channel.

I'm hoping to finally get back out on the mainland this summer. If I do, I'm heading to Seattle to stay with a friend until I save enough for an RV. Travelling around the country like my dad wanted to do sounds tempting.

Till next time,
T

Argh. Seriously, argh. I completely forgot about this thing. Okay, update time!

To summarize the past 16 months...

I cut my hair to shoulderlength, got a boyfriend, quit my job, tried to move to Illinois, failed, got a new job, cut my hair even shorter, lost my job and my boyfriend, and am currently hoping our landlord doesn't kick us out due to some mysteriously absurd accusations of back rent owed to the tune of $5000 as I look for a new job and contemplating just up and taking a friend's invitation to move to Seattle. Goddamn, this has been one screwed up year. Not nearly as bad as last year, mind you, but it's up there on my list. Oh, and I got buzzed on Haloween. I had a Brandy Alexander and a tequila shot. Man, I thought it was supposed to hit softer when you're big.
And a quiz result I found really goddamn ironic.

You Are a Werewolf

You're unpredictable, moody, and downright freaky. You seem sweet and harmless, until you snap. Then you're a total monster. Very few people can predict if you're going to be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. But for you, all your transformations seem perfectly natural. Your greatest power: Your ability to tap into nature Your greatest weakness: Lack of self control You play well with: Vampires

Just a quick little memo update for any who might have missed me. I don't have a computer yet and I might not for awhile, but luckily the internet place at the mall has a relatively low rate. I've been trying to take it a day at a time here, getting settled in and whatnot, and I find that if I don't really think about everything that's happened and the people I've lost, then I won't cry. I've got a new job now, no real friends to speak of, and my mom is on a religious kick that annoys me to no end, but that's okay as long as she keeps it away from me and my atheism.

Anyway, I'm just letting people know I'm still alive, still don't have a phone, but I think of you all every day. Mike, Jon, Phil, Ryan, Gino, Phillip...Don't worry, I haven't forgotten you guys. :) Love lots to you guys.

-T

Well....crap.
I know I shouldn't be angry, but things have just been going steadily downhill since dad passed away. Not only do we not have enough money for the apartment beyond the end of March, we don't have enough to stay here in Arizona anymore. We have three weeks to get most of our stuff packed up, sell what we can't afford to bring back, and move back home. Without dad, things just...fell apart. In fact, we wouldn't even have had enough for this month's rent if dad's boss and coworkers hadn't been so unbelievably generous. Also, as if this wasn't enough "joy", it turns out dad was so much in debt, (somewhere in the neighborhood of $15,000) we'll have to declare bankruptcy and start over from scratch once we get there.
...It really isn't fair. I've finally gotten used to things over here, I've made some wonderful friends that I'm going to miss terribly(Phil, Jon, Ryan, Phillip, David, Gino, Mike, I'm looking at you guys...). I can only hope I can come back eventually. I'll try to get out to the store sometime so I can say a proper goodbye, I hope we won't be too busy to do so. If not, well...

...I love you all. You have been true friends in my time here, and I thank you for your kindness. I'll miss you guys.

Sincerely,
Tiana

...or, what runs through my head at least once every single fucking day.

I think this strip puts it into words quite nicely.
Source: Vinci and Arty

February 24, 2006. That's the day my father died. I have no idea what's going to happen now. He was always the one with all the ideas, he was the one who made things happen, he was the one who could do it all. It was so sudden, I'm still in a state of confused shock. My friend Mike took me to the hospital yesterday so I could talk to the doctor and get dad's things. His watch, his glasses, his wallet. I have no idea where his clothes are, the ones he was wearing when he was admitted. He was fine when I went to see him the day before, he was having some tests done, he seemed okay. I cried a little, worried as usual. He held me and stroked my hair and told me he'd be out in a few days...Then, the next morning, I got a call from the hospital. They said he'd gone into cardiac arrest, and died. They tried to save him, but he still died. When I was there yesterday, I asked to see him. He...was laid out on a gurney with a white sheet over him, the part that had hidden his face pulled back. I cried then, and clung to his shoulder. I...I'd never seen someone dead before. I was hoping I never would, at least...not this soon. Soon...it's too soon, it's much too soon. We were supposed to do so many things together...but now he's gone, and he's never coming back. We're never going to the Grand Canyon, we're never going back to Tempe to take pictures, we're never going on that road trip to Los Angeles...he's never going to see me married, or hold his grandchildren..........IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS, GODDAMMIT!! HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO LEAVE ME YET!! IT'S TOO FUCKING SOON!!

...it isn't fair, not at all. Of course, no one said life was fair. But that doesn't mean I have to like it, and I don't. I just want him back. We need him. I need him.

And now we wait to see what's going to happen next. Joy. No, scratch that. I have no joy left anymore.

Meh. Work's relatively steady, computer's running again, and now my dad's in the hospital for a few days because the baka caught pneumonia.
...I need a hug. And also a good lay. That would be nice. And if that comment made anyone recoil in repulsion, then piss off.

It occurs to me that perhaps I am an emotional masochist. I spend so much time thinking about the past and reliving old pain and mentally reliving my mistakes that I end up horribly depressed, and downright bitchy to certain people. It would certainly explain why I can't seem to stop reading her journal, even when she talks about doing things with and having sex with him. Especially when she talks about it. And for all that I say or think it's disgusting, or vulgar, or what have you, I still can't make myself stop. I don't know, maybe they're right. Maybe I do enjoy playing the victim, maybe I do find pleasure in hurting myself, maybe I do want people to feel sorry for me. Then again, maybe it's just my outlet. Maybe it's just another way for my natural...zeal, for loss of a better word, to loophole around my inhibitions. After all, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. I'd also be lying if I said I didn't like the attention being shy and being the injured party brought me. I just wish...I had something else. Something or someone to focus on. Because right now I don't really have anything else. I have my job, I have my games, I have my anime, I have my computer, and I still have my love for him. Or maybe it was never really love, not love like I wanted it to be. Then again, if it wasn't, then there's no reason why it should still hurt this much. Maybe that pain isn't really from a broken heart, maybe it's just my injured pride talking, the offense of my bruised ego, still stubbornly clinging to what I thought was something but turned out to be something else. I really have no idea anymore. All I know is that I want to be loved. I need to be loved. To be shown affection. I've always wanted the kind of love I've read about. Love that goes beyond the physical, love that hits you at your core and that would devastate you were that person to be taken away. And yet...each and every time I've tried to reach out, it was always to the wrong guy. I see that now. I always tried for the impossible, for the guy I knew deep down wouldn't return my affection. Maybe because I don't know what I'd do if someone ever actually reached back. He was right. I really am an inexperienced child. The one time someone actually did, when he did, I let my inexperience and insecurity take over, and basically brought the end myself. Yes, maybe the situation did go against what I think love should be about, but am I really right? Were they right after all? I don't know. I didn't know then and I don't know now. Perhaps when I finally do know, that's when I'll really be ready for it. Until then...I guess being alone has its advantages. At least the only one who can hurt me is myself. And that, I'm used to.

Yeah, stole this from someone else. Not gonna say who, as that person makes my hackles rise.

Smiled?: At work a few days ago

Laughed?: Same

Cried?: Last night

Were sarcastic?: At work

Kissed someone?: Several months ago.

Talked to an ex?: A week or so ago

Watched your favorite movie?: Can't decide which is my favorite.

Had a nightmare?: I think last night counts, considering it was about people leaving the earth because of an attack.


A Last time for everything...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last book you read: The Firebird by Mercedes Lackey

Last movie you saw: Be Cool

Last song you heard: the opening theme to Last Exile

Last time you showered: Yesterday morning

Last thing you ate: Beef Stew

Do You...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Smoke?: No

Do drugs?: No

Have sex?: Not for several months now. And my libido's starting to feel like a wound up watch-spring.

Sleep with stuffed animals?: Yes, my fuzzy panda and kitty

Live in the moment?: Rarely

Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: No. I can thank a certain pair for that.

Have a dream that keeps coming back?: A few, actually.

Play an instrument?: Um...does the recorder count?

Believe there is life on other planets?: Perhaps

Remember your first love?: Of course, I remember all of them.

Still love him/her?: Of course. I never stop loving people.

Read the newspaper?: Nope

Have any gay or lesbian friends?: Hmm...*ponder* a couple, I think...more bi friends, actually.

Believe in miracles?: It depends.

Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Of course. The flesh may be weak but if the spirit is willing enough, anything is possible.

Consider yourself tolerant of others?: To a point.

Consider love a mistake?: If you mean in general, no. If you mean specifically, then my last definitely was.

Like the taste of alcohol?: Not generally, unless it's sweet.

Have a favorite candy?: Hmm...Rolos, perhaps? Oooh, anything with caramel.

Believe in astrology?: I think so.

Believe in magic?: I did for awhile. Then I stopped. Having no magic in your life tends to do that.

Believe in God?: I don't even know anymore.

Pray?: If moved to do so.

Go to church?: Not for many years now.

Have any secrets?: Of course. Several.

Have any pets: One cat named Tickles

Do well in school?: High school? Good grief, no. I was a straight "C"er.

Go to or plan to go to college?: Meh, perhaps. Eventually. Maybe.

Have a major?: If I do, it would be theatre.

Talk to strangers who instant message you?: If they're polite and know basic grammar skills. And know how to work the caps lock.

Wear hats?: No, though I'v been told I look cute in hats.

Have any piercings?: One in each ear

Have any tattoos?: No

Hate yourself?: On occasion.

Have an obsession?: Not sure.

Have a secret crush?: Yes, several.

Do they know yet?: No, and they most likely won't. I've learned my lesson.

Collect anything?: Anime, and books. Manga too, I suppose.

Have a best friend?: Two, but I haven't talked to them in awhile.

Wish on stars?: I would if I could see any.

Like your handwriting?: I suppose. Could be better.

Have any bad habits?: Biting my nails, being too naive, letting my emotions run too strong

Care about looks?: More than I should, considering my lack of them.

Boy/girlfriend's looks?: We've gone over this.

Believe in witches?: This falls under magic, I think.

Believe in Satan?: I think not believing in god means not believing in that thing either.

Believe in ghosts?: Until proven otherwise.

Ever have one of those times when you just feel like you don't care about anything, and no one cares about you? Being alone sucks. I suppose I should be happy I have my dad around, because without him I wouldn't go out at all or have really anyone to talk to. My ex has his new girl (old lady, I should say, she's five years older than he is) taking up his time, the two guys that have been my best friends for the past four or five years are never online anymore, and I've completely lost touch with my drama friends from high school. I suppose it's my fault I feel kinda ignored at work, I need to work on speaking up more, but I dunno, I've never been any kind of extrovert. I guess this has been said by many, many people before me, and will most likely be said by many, many people after me, but...at times I just feel like nothing would be different at all if I...just...I don't know, wasn't here. If I didn't exist. Would anyone's life be different if I'd never existed at all? When I think about it, really the only ones that would would be my parents. And I'll have to leave them anyway, not to mention I've only really been just a burden to them. They...no, everyone would just be better off without me.

You are a Mermaid, who sits on a rock in
the sea, looking and watching all humanity with
curiosity in your eyes. You have a two-sided
personality - On one hand, you revel in your
freedom and often prefer to live in your own
private dreams and on the other hand, humanity
intrigues you and you love watching on.

You
are actually very kind at heart and, hating to
see people hurt, you despise injustice. You
probably have one or two special friends, who
mean the world to you.

Also; you are probably
quite political, wanting to see justice done in
the world.

You are quite the dreamer, needing
your freedom and personal space to dream your
little dreams. You love to escape into a book
or some good music and just drift away.

Some
of your good points are that you are sensitive,
compassionate and a freethinker. Your bad
points are that you may come across as cool and
aloof to others and probably have a tendency to
depression.

You are the ultimate dreamer with
a kind - yet troubled heart.


Are you a Princess, Enchantress, Faerie, Mermaid or Toad? (with pictures!)
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You are Minimoose! A purple moose created by Zim
that doesn't really do anything but float and
squeak. It is not capable of speech and it
quite useless. But, as cute as you seem, your
antlers are weapons that can strike when
needed!


Which INVADER ZIM Character Are You? 8 Possibilities!
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Aura is Blue Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart. You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor. What Color Is Your Aura? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Now for what you've all been waiting for. Yes, both of you. Sorry half of them are blurry and the rest are colorless, that's what happens when you can't decide what setting to use in a brightly lit, indoor setting at night. That said, here they are.

Yes, I'm sure I don't need free Gummi Bears.

Are you sure that's just a tripod?...On second thought, maybe I will have those Gummi Bears.

And your name is?

How do you spell that?

No, I'm afraid I can't sign your bra, ma'am.

So you say you're film majors...Fascinating.

And I'll bet you're a film major too.

Ah, a script. Why thank you, film major.

Why thank you, giant hand. I -would- like a free phone.

You know, I'm single in this movie...

Yes, it -does- make my chin seem smaller in comparison, doesn't it?

Yeah, I'll just bet you want an autograph...

No, I'm afraid I can't be your prom date. Uh...bad back.

No, I will not come see your van. Yes, I'm sure you -do- have a shrine dedicated to me in there.

Oh boy, maybe now my son will love me again...

Maybe if I close my eyes, they'll all go away...

Make it stop...I can't feel my hand anymore...

I think you scared everyone away, kid. I think -someone- forgot their deoderant.

Oh dear lord, not another one. Wow, that picture -does- make my chin look huge!

I hope they don't eat me...

Thank god they didn't eat me.

Heheheheheh. I get to go see Bruce Campbell tonight in Tempe. And I will get him to sign my copy of his autobiography, and I will go watch Man With the Screaming Brain, and it will be good. YAY!

- You Are The Wayward Heart

"Feel Better."


You are best described as 'Emotional Support'.
Anytime an emotional issue comes up or
something stresses people out, you are there to
help them feel better about it. Whether you are
the prankster of the bunch, the funny one, the
wild one, or just the shoulder to cry on - your
traits favor what it takes to keep people
going. You like large groups of people and have
many friends. When something hits home for you,
however, you have a hard time with it. You also
have difficulty paying attention or focusing on
one thing. Above all, though, if people are
happy, you are happy.


Which Classic Story Role Do You Play?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are pure, moral, and adaptable. You tend to blend into your surroundings. Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends. You believe that you live a virtuous life... And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye. As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

You Are Winter! Intelligent Serious Cozy Calm Shy What Season Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Your element is Water. You have a calm aura around
you and are in tune with the world around. You
observe it but rarely interfere. Because of
your shy and timid nature you will not have so
many friends in your life. But then again,
large crowds aren't your thing anyway. You are
comfortable on your own and are reserved to
others who you don't know or know very little
of. You know everyone out there does not want
to be your friend, and knowing that is good.
However, people who don't know you that well
thinks that you are cold and distant since you
don't want to talk to them. Although you mean
no harm, you can't always be perfectly
understood in the world. No one can. Life in
general are you quite serene with even if there
are some things you don't like. Your love-life
is not so full of boys/girls, but if you
flirted more with the ones you were interested
in I'm sure something would happen. The hobbies
you choose are calmer ones, you are no party
girl that likes to drink and make-out with
three or more guys/girls in one night. Reading
a book or swimming is more your thing. Rate and
message!


What is your element? [with pics + 7 outcomes + detailed answeres!]
brought to you by Quizilla

Ugh...feel like crap...haven't slept yet...haven't eaten since those donuts yesterday evening...we had to drop mom off at the airport....got lost on the way back, ended up in Mesa....just got home a few minutes ago. I think I'm going to make a nice big sandwich and pass out for several hours. *shambles off*
...
*shambles back*
Oh, right. Happy 4th.
*resumes shambling*

"What you've been doing is spending your time as if it were counterfeit. Actually, time is the currency of love. When you care for someone you want to be with them as much as possible. You want to -spend- your time with them, or more precisely, you want to spend your time on them. When people care the only thing of real value they can give one another is time. And in that time they give themselves. Lovers say, 'I want to be with you. I want to go with you.' Lovers ask, 'Please be with me. Will you go with me?' And even when they're apart they spend their apart time on one another. In a way the act of lovemaking isn't half so much proof as the given time in which it happens."

-from "The Ravishers" by Gerald A. Browne

Condensed of course, with other character's dialogue removed.
...
I wish I didn't still love him so much. I think I'll go cry now.

Yanno, I dunno if it's the heat, or just the fact that I have no means of taking myself anywhere interesting, but I'm as bored and frustrated as f*ck. Seriously, the only excitement I have is going to work or watching the extra content on my dvds. I've got no boyfriend, no real friends to speak of (co-workers don't count, no offense), no car, don't know how to drive one anyway, I don't have a sex life anymore (*grr, snarl*), I don't drink, and the only guys I feel comfortable talking to are online and many, many miles away. Is this what people call ennui? Am I gonna have to start an affair with a Ken doll now? (Author's Note: I apologize for the horrible, extremely obscure John Cleese joke.) *sigh* You know, there's something kind of sad about the fact I have too much time on my hands, and other, more important and talented people have far too little. It's hardly fair. Yeah yeah, the world isn't fair, blah blah blah. It's that kind of attitude that keeps it that way.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.